The Blues

It seems that I get the blues every year about this time. This year it is because we are in quite a scuffle with Aaron's mom. It's a real doozy this time. It's heartbreaking really. Right at the holidays. Over something so silly. Not to down play her feelings because this is anything but silly to her, but to me, it's just down right ridiculous! To top it off, I don't agree with the way Aaron wants to handle this. The longer the time has passed the more I just want reach out to her, like we've always done, and rectify. This time, Aaron wants to let things settle for a while. A LONG while if needs be. I worry that more damage will be done in the long run. It's not up to me to decide. This is his mother and the anger runs thick between them both. In the meantime I am slightly riddled with guilt that one of her few joys (my assumption), her grandchildren, will not connect with her. Aaron doesn't want us talking with her unless she is willing to discuss things with him first. I don't blame him entirely for just wanting to distance us from her for a while. It does get incredibly tiring always trying to make sure we are saying the right things. But my gut says this is our trial to bear.....all of our lives if necessary. We can't just shut her out and feel good about it. I'm trying to let things settle some more. I'm trying to be supportive of Aaron. But in the mean time, I've got the blues over it.

Sick

Just want to document that I'm sick. I'm nautious. Nathan has diarrhea. I'm sick. Abigail will not poop in the toilet so I've been cleaning up a lot of poop as of late. I'm sick.

A surprise

I'm pregnant. I'm surprised. Noone knows other than myself. I just found out today however. Aaron and I knew we weren't finished having our family, but we decided to hold off until next summer for another one. I think I'm due in June or July. I feel naucious and tired. All the right signs.

I'm not ready for this, but I will welcome a new baby into our home. I've gotten teary today just looking at my other children. I already wish I could give them more of me than I do. Abigail's world will be rocked for sure. She has a complete cow if I'm holding another baby. How will she be? She is my little shadow and I wish time could just stop for a while so I can enjoy every little second with her.

Aaron and I are at a better place. We've had some rough patches lately, but we are committed to eachother and to working at our marriage. I'm sure he'll be happy, but I know it will stress him as well. We are not in the best financial place and it is a burden that weighs heavily on him.

Ready or not, baby #4 will be here next Summer.

Tired

It's 11:00 and I am tired. Today I cleaned my house, canned green beans, babysat for my friend, and somewhere in between all of that I fed my children, gave them baths, and tucked them into bed. I'm so tired, but I can't seem to wind down enough to go to bed. Ugh!

I had a disagreement with Aaron today as well. It wasn't bad, just a disagreement. To keep it simple it was over an argument he had with one of the secretary's in the office. He really upset her and when he apologized to her today, it still didn't go so well and she basically told him that she's never been so scared, so upset, so afraid in all of her life. This really blew Aaron away. He doesn't feel that it was that bad at all, so he was a little put out. Long story short I told him that he should take it as an opportunity to reflect and really think about how he talks to people sometimes. I know how this girl must have felt. The difference is, I just simply don't tolerate Aaron when he has talked to me this way. Sometimes Aaron gets so upset if someone doesn't agree with him or if he can't convince you to agree with him that he can be quite belittling. I really fear for the day when we have teen-agers and how he will treat them when they don't agree. Oh heaven help us! That said, I'm no angel of  a person either. I've become a very blunt person and at times it hasn't gone over so well with others. I long to be the person I was in college. Kind. Fun. Thoughtful. I wouldn't dare have said some of the things that come out of my mouth so naturally now. So very sad. Lots to work on. Always something to improve apon. We celebrate our 8th year anniversary next week. I'd love to spend the whole day together, but I'm afraid that won't happen as much out of work responsibility as what would we do all day together? Nevertheless, I'm going to attempt it. Seems like I always plan our anniversary. I should really see if he would plan anything. I bet he would.

 K, starting to feel the wind down. Good night.

Date Night

I always look forward to getting out with Aaron for a date. We mostly do movies. I like going out to a movie, but tonight's choice really turned me off. Transformers. It was rude, loud, violent, and sexual. Why oh why does this not turn my husband off too? I did not like it one bit. He really liked it. So frustrating. If I talk with him about it, he'll get all defensive and think I'm judging him. I just want him to realize who he is as the leader of our home and a Priesthood leader none the less. We have made promises to each other, that granted, we've both broken. How can I help him to take the lead? How can I help him to be more sensitive to things like we saw tonight? How can I help him to realize how uncomfortable this makes his wife feel without him thinking I'm judging him? I want so badly for us to both be better and do better for each other and for our family. Maybe my expectations are just too high.

Storms

We have been having unusual storms in Utah lately. I'm not complaining though because I really love rain and thunder storms. I love the way the air smells after a good rain storm.

I've been running again. Feels good to be getting up early and excercising. I so need it. I don't know why I fight doing it sometimes.

Aaron and I are getting ready to go on a Vacation to New York next week. I'm excited. And nervous. We will be gone for a week and I so hope that the kids will have a good time with Vicki. I know she is super excited to come out to watch them, and they are pretty darn excited too. I worry. Pointless I know, but still I worry that she doesn't know them very well and they don't know her very well either. How will she handle when Nathan decides to wig out or when he gets frustrated or when he poops in his underwear? Will she be okay with Hannah's constant need for attention? or will she be able to understand what Abigail is saying?

On the flip side. Will I come home and have to tell the kids that we don't say certain words that they may have heard her say? Do I have to worry that she will let them taste her coffee? Will she pray with my kids? Will she respect what we believe? Oh I hope so. I really want to continue building a good relationship with Vicki. I don't trust her completely and she doesn't trust us completely either, but I believe we can have a great relationship and that we can eventually trust each other the way we want.

I need this trip with Aaron. We aren't 'technically' going alone. Susan is coming with us. Part of me wishes it were just the two of us. We could use the alone time. He is working round the clock these days. It's what he loves though and I'm starting to come to grips with it. Sometimes our goals are very very different. His drive for financial success is so so so superior to mine. My drive for a a tight, loving, family seems to be superior to his. It makes for some hard feelings sometimes. I'm trying to focus on the good that we have. I'm trying not to be a nagging wife or an angry wife. Seems that when I'm that way, it only drives him further away from us. Boy is it hard for me though.

So, as I'm writing this I think to myself of all that I should be doing to prepare for next week. Lots still to do.

A Hot Day

It's finally hot. I took the kids swimming this morning. Well, the girls anyway. Nathan got in trouble (pooped in his underwear) so he got to stay home with dad. Boy was he sad. We had the pool all to ourselves for about 20 minutes. Heaven! I'm insecure in my swim suit. Can't think of a time that I haven't been really. Kinda dumb.

I've spent the day cleaning. You would never know it. I'm ornery today. Actually, just this afternoon. Aaron isn't home for dinner again tonight. He may never know just what an important thing he is missing. I've tried and tried to express to him just how important his presence is. I don't think he gets it. I've married a hard worker. I'm grateful, but it is not without a great cost and sometimes I don't think it's worth it. I wish he wanted to be home more, to be with us more. There is always something to do, something to take him away, even when he's home. Ah, I'll stop complaining.

I love my kids. They drive me crazy though. Nathan tries my patience, but Hannah has been trying me lately too. I'm surrounded by women that appear to be the "perfect" mom, "perfect" wife, and have the "perfect" life. I hate the blogging world. I'm addicted to the blogging world. Sometimes I wish I lived far out in the country, on a little piece of land, with no Internet, no cell phones, and just the land to work on. Then my husband could be a cowboy and work the land and our kids would work along with him. I think I'd have a dozen kids if that were my life. I think I would enjoy a dozen kids if that were my life. Alas, it is not my life. I do have a pretty good life right where I'm at, it's just sometimes I get so down with the little things that aren't so great. I'm starting to ramble now. I have a meeting in a few minutes. Something to take my mind off of me. Hallelujah!

10:11 pm

I haven't showered in two days. This is not typical for the record. It is typical however, to go every other day. Not proud of this. I just really hate to get ready each day. Poor Aaron. Speaking of Aaron, we talked. Things are better. He listened really well. I said some not so nice things and he still listened and was nice to me. Marriage will always be something to work for, work at, work together to improve. Very very grateful to be married to a man who is willing to work for it.

Hannah came out of her room tonight (9:45ish) and was sobbing. I quickly went to see what was wrong. Ok, I need to back track. Last week was her piano recital and her teacher encouraged all of us families to participate in a donation for a women and children's shelter. Of course, I didn't prepare to take anything until the night before. I was scrambling to find things we might donate. Fortunately I had some crayons, folders, binders (all needed) that I bought last year before school started. I quickly grabbed those. The foundation also needed slightly used children's books and stuffed animals. Well.....I looked through the children's books and took 5 that I didn't think would be missed, and one little stuffed bear that hadn't been played with in months. The problem is, I didn't ask Hannah and I really should have. (lesson learned) She was sobbing about one of those books she saw me give away, saying it was her most special book ever and helped her to not have bad dreams. We hadn't read that book in a year I swear! Then she proclaimed that the bear I gave was really special to her too. Bah! think quick Melissa, think quick. "But sweetheart, those things went to children who have nothing. Doesn't that make you so happy to give someone something who has nothing when you have so much?"  It didn't work. She cried even harder and asked me if I would give her away too? What??? No! No! Ok, so I need to make sure never to do this again. Always include my children in deciding what they will donate. I cradled Hannah for sometime. Told her many things I absolutely love about her. Told her what a special girl she is and most importantly, promised I would NEVER take any of her books, toys, stuffed animals without talking with her first. She is now sound asleep. Phew!

A Fresh Start

This blog is meant for me to just write what I'm feeling. It's not for show. It's just for me. The blogging world is one that has easily gotten me down. It also lifts and inspires at times. I'm officially addicted.

Since this is a place just for me, I'm here to say I'm in a funk. Down in the dumps. Feeling ungrateful. Feeling ashamed. The shame is the worst part. I have much....MUCH to be grateful for. The most important being, three people who call me 'mom'. Although they contribute probably the most to my feelings of angst, they are also my greatest blessings and my greatest joys. They have three very strong personalities. They are strong willed. They are slightly headstrong. I think I get the credit for that. Their father can also take some of that glory as well. We are not connecting right now. We are off right now. It's been nearly eight years since we made that marriage covenant. There's been lots of happiness in those almost eight years. There's also been our fair share of arguments, disagreements, and plenty of stubbornness. No one, and I mean no one, can make me more upset, more frustrated, and even more hurt than him. I'm pretty sure that goes both ways. There are times that I feel trapped in my life. How did I get here? Sometimes I feel Satan's influence so strongly. He doesn't want me to be happy. He wants my marriage to fail. He wants me to continue to find fault with my husband. There is no one I can talk to. I try turning to God. I won't stop, but I feel alone there too. I know He's there, but I also know that I have to work in order to feel his influence and power in my life.

Anyway, that's probably enough for a first post. I hope this isn't just an outlet for my woes. There are a lot of good days too.